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The New Ruler of OZ Bitches!!

Somewhere out there is a CuntBlister waking up from a cheap vodka hangover and a Royal ass beating. Once the reality of what has happened finally sinks in, she will slink away with her granny panties knotted up her ass.

This is the story of how the Royal Family took the Land of Oz from a worthless Ho.

Once upon a time The Royals had a princess who called her self a Trash Talking Bitch. She claimed she was all Royal and more. But the only thing she proved herself to be was a bitch through and through. And not the good "Love you Skank" type of bitch, but the "I will stab you in the back with a knife and take whatever I want" type of bitch. The type of bitch that you wish had parents smart enough to use a coat hanger when conception occurred.
She decided to take over ruling one of the Kingdom's belonging to the Royal family, the Kingdom of Oz. Had she told the Queen what she wanted, it would have been hers. But like a true cunt bitch, she took what she wanted and then got butt hurt when no one thought her cute anymore. We all saw her for the nasty back alley skank that she was, and tossed her fat ass out of the kingdom.
After taking what she wanted she ran away and hid, thinking she could come back as a changed person! Fob herself off on the world again, as a sweet and good natured book reader. She knew no one could possibly like her for who she is, so she had to pretend to be someone else.

But she couldn't even pull that off. Being the bitch that she is, she fucked over another Royal ONCE MORE, just to see her way to the top. And that's when the Kingdom of Oz rebelled. You see they happened to peak behind the brunette and her curtain and saw what she really was:

And they saw her evil plan to turn all of Oz into Zombie Strippers to take over the world:

Right away they flew in the Dutchess of Dorkville to negotiate a take over. After a few hours of begging and pleading to be taken out from under the thumb of the Fucktard Cunt Blister, and after promising fealty to the true Queendom, the Duchess was ready to take them back under the rule of the Royals.

But who would run Oz?
Once the Queen had the sign contract in her hand she knew it was time to grant me, the Princess Vet, My  own lands. Where else to have the Royal Zoo? The wonderful Land of Oz!!

The Flying Monkeys were so happy for a new leader!

They got so tired of being used and abused by a Cunt Blister for her every whim.

Next thing I knew... The Queendom of Oz sent a house to land on top of the Cunt Blister!

And they gave me her shoes as a welcome home present!!

It's sad that someone who had so much promise decided to become a bitch for evil. But now she will remain as a bed time story for our children. To remind them of what happens when you mess with the Royals!

We make sure everyone sees your true side!

I am happily getting the Queendom of Oz back into shape. I love it here! But it's not my home. I still reside with the Queen whenever I can get away from all of the demands of the Royal Zoo.

How I got my crown. 12/30/11

After much thought and  drinking  planning, I decided it was time to ask the Queen if I can be made a Princess. But she super wigged out on me so I did the next best thing and sucked up to Auntie Dutch!! I was still made to put it in writing as part of a formality however. (The Queen must have thought that no one would stay sober long enough to write a petition, but she hired me for my brains not my beer chugging abilities.) And before you could shake your ass twice I was declared a Royal and family!!


Now since I was not born into the Royal family PWT made me sign a petition stating that I would steer clear of her Beer Tab crown....

 I am pretty sure the hooker made me sign away my left boob with it.
But I decided then and there that I needed my own crown. I asked the Queen about it and she told me she wasn't gonna piss money away on something I could get at the dollar store, when it would probly just get swallowed by a gator in the first place. I tried to explain that we could insure it in case something happened, but  she got a phone call from PWT that sent her running and screaming out the door. Something about handicapped fish sticks and red rum... Sounded down right delish to me! So maybe that's why she flew out the door like her ass was on fire. Or maybe it's some sex position I am not familiar with... Either way I still wanted my dam crown.

The next day I was surprised with a party in my honor at the castle!
Auntie Dutch had even had the hookers make me a dress!!

What did you expect.... we spend all of our money on gin!! But I did hear that the Bartender broke into the Queen's personal stash of TP for the special occasion.

(She always has the good stuff!!)

The Lovely Dame rented me my own personal limo to parade around the Queendom in:

Even though the focus was on me, and me wanting a crown, we still managed to have fun and play games:

(It's similar to a game we played in High school called "Sex Ed")

The Bartender entertained us with some of the tricks of her trade:

I have to admit... Even without a crown I was feeling very Royal when the Queen broke out the Royal glassware to toast in my honor:

I even got a few gifts:

SO CLASSY!!

But I still wanted a crown. So the Queen sent all the drunkards out to find me one... And this is what I got from Dazee

She is pretty crafty with that knife. I can't lie.

And one of the John's brought me a throne:

But I am pretty certain the Queen is gonna steal that from me.

Finally our Royal Sister Wife told me that I needed to find my own dam crown and that it needed to be unique to me. 

Well I am the Princess VET......

So my crown is a peacock!

It all started with a t-shirt. 12/21/11

I hope you've all been keeping up with the other Royals and our exploits out on the high seas.
The Dutchess thought she was playing in a Scavenger Hunt and really she just picked up my shopping list. You have to watch these broads... they steal your crap!!
PWT stopped being a legal genius long enough to catch a heli out to the ship, and then we caught her texting on her cell phone, rambling on and on about auto-correct, dead hookers... and I am pretty sure a few racial slurs. She started to cry cerebral-rape when we grabbed her phone and threw it over board. But the Queen put a bottle in her hand and she calmed down. So much for leaving the spoiled princesses on the mainland!!
In case you are not aware, the Royal bartender and I won a contest of sorts... We still haven't received our prizes yet. Which really isn't that surprising since the Queen jips us on our W-2's already, cheap twat.
The Royal Sister Wife decided to take over the Captain's position, because she felt that having the sluttiest captain's costume made it so. And of course no one was sober enough to ask her for a drivers license or learners permit or green card, so we ended up out in the middle of nowhere.... Which is how this story begins...

Being lost on the ocean isn't so bad... unless you have a bunch of drunk/high old woman. The Queen assumed that since she can "Witch Water" she can navigate by the stars... Which consisted of us mainly sailing in circles trying to catch the brightest stars. It wasn't until morning came and the Dutchess saw my tshirt, that all hell broke loose. I should known better....

^^^That was my t-shirt^^^

Yup, you guessed it. The Dutchess said it was a sign from Willy to go home... to whore island. I really should have stopped her... but we spent all night in circles chasing stars and trying to figure out why Dutch was throwing crap into her big purse, that I thought "What's the worst that could happen?"

Dutchess piloted the boat.

I'm pretty sure she has no sense of direction in the rare times that she is sober...

However she did find Whore Island.

Shocking??? Yes and no. 

Anywho once we arrived the Queen decreed that we start up a local campaign to raise booze money  to show we come in peace.

It went over quite well with the locals.

They even painted my portrait as a going away gift

As with all good things, what happens on whore island-stays on whore island.

I can tell you that after the night we had, it caused the Chief of the Whore Island Hookers to erect some signs up around the zoo:

We had a lot of fun, helped a lot of hookers, and I even came home with a zebra for my collection!

Royal Cruise.... Epic Fail 12/16/11

Apparently it's time for the Royal Family to hold a Royal reunion. After our cousins hosted that gaudy wedding across the pond, The Queen decided it was best for us to be simple this year and go on a cruise.

Well... You know how the Queen gets when a man in cowboy boots shows her something shiny...I hear it has a pool for the gators so my presence is requested.
Anywho... I am not against cruises... I just know that on  land we can always find a liquor store. Plus I am not even sure half of those wenches can swim....
And I know that at some point the Queen will drunkenly attempt to "Drink the Ocean to find the worm".

My understanding is that everyone is coming! Even the Dame is out of retirement. Well I should say everyone except the Princess formerly known as CB. Apparently this happened the last time her and her ego got on a boat...

All in all I think it will be something to write home about. Keep an eye out for the other Royals... We like to tell stories on each other!

Royal Road Trip- Tattoos and a Missing QUEEN! 3/7/11

Well. you guessed it. 

The Royals have had another crazy day.

If it wasn't for camera phones NONE of us would remember a thing.

It all started with me sharing this CRAZY hot picture of Adam Lavine..

Then the Dutchess was on the lookout for a tattoo parlor. I swear we tore threw New Orleans trying to find just the right spot. What we all forgot however... Is that the Dutchess is one CHEAP pimp.

We all hit the bottle.

After all... We had committed to tattoos....

And we hadn't been specific with the details.

The Dutch went first:

She cackled like a crazy the whole time!

Of course... Now she claims she doesn't need to wear a bra.

PWT, Ange and CC went next:

Well... We never claimed they were the classy ones of the group.

Not to be outdone.... Gucci had her namesake done across one of her most valuable ASSets:

~Spanky spanky~

Someone apparently forgot to keep the bartender out of the booze, or the special brownies... Cause she came back with this:

She kept running all around the parking lot making car noises and screaming:

"I LEFT MY HEADLIGHTS ON!!!"

The Hooker House mom was smart!

She did all kinds of research for the perfect Tattoo and ended up finding this:

However...She forgot we were being tattooed by a man in a van. 

So she came out with this:

The Queen wanted a new tattoo:

But really... She had no room left.

It was quite the day!!

And then night came. I remember hearing something over the radio about the Queen moving to the back of the convoy.. I just assumed she wanted to make sure no one was throwing booze or xanax out a bus in a drunken stupor. But when we got to the Hotel she was still no where to be found.

It wasn't until we got the ransom note that we knew we were in HUGE trouble.

There was talk about not paying the ransom... After all there is a beer tab crown at stake!

But since "No one" was quite sure where it was hidden at, we figured it'd be better to rescue her, pump her full of xanax and convince her she had a bad dream!

The bar tender... Who had by then sobered up, remembered ALL of the booze bottles we had lying around from earlier in the day, and knew we could form a plan!

If they wanted Gin, we would give it to them!

We filled that dumpster up with all of the liquor bottles we had, all lined up nice and neatly. When those suckers came to drop off the Queen that were so excited at the "Bounty O' Booze" We had provided to get our Queen back, that they gave her one good kick our direction and jumped head first into the dumpster!

Silly kidnappers!!!

We always carry Crocs with us!

We are still awaiting punishment...Whenever the Queen recovers.

Until then it is on with the road trip!

Royals on parade. And our fantastic Rides! 3/5/11

As you all know we are heading out on our Royal Road Trip!

Last year we traveled in style, So of course we had to out do ourselves this trip!

It should surprise no one that my bus is  pink.

This is more like the Queen's dog's bus.

She is one spoiled pooch!!

We have a trailer attached to my bus just for her house. 

After all... She can't be expected to travel with the Other's!

(When she is feeling generous she lets me use that hot tub)

I think my bus gets the point across that all I carry is the fuzzie wuzzies (The Royal's have many pets!) and there ain't nothing to steal in here.

Especially not the prized and coveted Beer Tab Crown.

Now the Royal Bartender on the other hand...Her bus has the good stuff!

And being the clever little wench that she is, she wanted to make the booze hard to get to!

She figured that anyone dumb enough to rob a Royal Bus, couldn't be smart enough to figure this out:

She's pretty much never wrong... So I'm gonna trust her judgement on this one.

I just hope the rest of us can find the booze when we are 3 sheets to the wind!!

Of course our Royal Legal Aid, Ange, had to come along!! If we'd had her with us last year maybe we coulda kept Poor Willie from bein sent to the pokey.

Ange is one sexy vixen! And she likes to spice things up when she is on a road trip:

From what I understand... It comes fully equipped with trampolines, hot tubs and stripper poles! 

What happens on the bus, stays on the bus!

The Royal Duck gets her own ride too:

The queen never goes anywhere without her duck!

The Royal BodyGuard's bus is quite intimidating!

I have heard she is able to be in front of us and behind us at the EXACT same time!!!

I'm glad she is on our side!!!

Babe's just a badass in general. 

So of course her bus matches her epic personality!

Rumor is.... It will come home purple!!!

She has all of the awesome music too.

Kelly, the Royal Candy Girl gets her own bus as well!

We always send her into town first to make friends.

Be careful... She only looks sweet and innocent!

PWT is also one sexy BAMF!!

We love to take her bus to the beach.... Freaks everyone out!

The Dutchess.... Well her bus needed to make a statement....

And that statement is:

STAY the frick away from my weed or I will run your teeny weenie over and wear you as a hood ornament!

I think she gets her point across.

What exactly does the Queen drive you ask?

She likes to get where she is wanting to go!

So stay out of her way or we will run you over!!

Stay tuned for more adventures from the Royal Road Trip. And make sure to check out the Other Royal's blog posts!!